I am a mom who has struggled with yelling at my children. I wish I could say that I’ve overcome it all, but that would not be true. The Lord has brought me a long way, but I still have struggles occasionally, and I do still fall into that sin of giving vent to my anger.
Here are some common triggers for my impatience:
- Frustration over a discipline issue that keeps creeping up, and I am tired of dealing with it.
- I may have neglected to take action in an area of discipline for too long, and a behavior has gotten to a point that I am overwhelmed by it.
- A manifestation of laziness. I simply don't “feel” like stopping what I am doing in order to deal with a misbehavior, and I try to use the volume of my voice to do the work instead.
- My own moodiness, which has nothing to do with the level of misbehavior among the children.
My reasons are not good reasons, but it is important to know what might set me off, so that I can be aware and take action to “discipline” myself! For example, if I know that lack of sleep tends to make me grumpy, I will take care to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and take rest when I need it.
The Lord has shown me that my anger and yelling are choices that I make. In the midst of "lecturing loudly," I have been able to calm myself quickly enough to answer the telephone with a reasonably cheerful, “hello!” Therefore, I owe it to these dear children to calm myself in speaking to them.
I have also been sobered by the realization that these children do not belong to me… they belong to God. His Word directs me to discipline my children, but I can not just speak to them in any way that I feel at the moment. My respect for God should always demonstrate care and caution with how I treat these amazing blessings that God has created and given me the privilege of raising. The Bible says, “The wrath of man does not bring about the righteousness of God.” It also directs fathers to “not exasperate your children.” Anger and yelling may frighten children into altering their behavior, but it will not influence their heart in a righteous way.
I have many suggestions ahead about discipline, but in regards to yelling, I have the following pieces of advice:
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Make a decision that your home will be a “No Yelling Zone,” and simply do not yell. Bite your tongue, leave the room and go pray, or stick your hand over your mouth. When you are angry, don't allow yourself to speak. If your child's behavior needs a consequence, send them to sit on their bed while you calm down, and then deal with the problem appropriately.
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Resist the urge to let the volume of your voice do the work of disciplining for you. The dishes can wait, your book can wait, and most other things can wait five minutes so that you can give your full attention to dealing with misbehavior.
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Take appropriate action immediately when you see the beginnings of a behavior problem, when you are still calm and affectionate with your children. Don't wait until you are angry.
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Set high goals for your children, but keep your expectations lower for today. Goals are something to work toward, and we can not expect that behavior issues will turn around overnight. Improvement will come with time and effort. If you expect stumbles to happen along the way, you will be less likely to become flustered when they arise.
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Recognize the times that you feel “snappy,” and deal with those personal issues. If you are tempted to anger or yelling when you are sick, hungry, overly tired, or at a certain time of the month, then be sure to get plenty of sleep and eat well during those times. Take naps at the first opportunity. Recognize that next week you will not be nearly as irritated by the very things that drive you crazy today.
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Sometimes you may fall; I still do. If you blow it, humble yourself and apologize to your children. Usually when I apologize, my children will hug me and tell me, "I knew you were going to say that, Mommy. I forgive you." I want them to know that my actions were not right in God's eyes, and that I am repentant.
The very best book I have ever read related to keeping a calm spirit is Homeschooling with Meek and Quiet Spirit
