In the midst of a behavior issue that needs correction, I believe it is absolutely essential to have a plan of action. Misbehaviors can be very rattling, and without a planned response, we can easily become even more flustered by having to come up with a consequence to apply. We may overreact, or we may let it slide. We may question ourselves: Were we too harsh? Were we too soft? Did the consequence really fit the offense? The emotional moment is not the ideal time to decide how an offense will be handled. It is best to have a plan already in place, that you and your spouse have given careful thought and prayer to during a quiet moment (such as when the children were in bed!)
We were blessed to find a chart, called the If-Then Chart, published by Doorposts. The chart contains three columns. The first column lists ten categories of common misbehaviors and includes a visual picture to illustrate the offense, so that even young children who cannot read are able to understand. The second column quotes a verse from the Bible that explains why that behavior is wrong. The third column lists the consequences that both parents have agreed to implement for each offense. I have made a few alterations to my chart, using some different verses and Bible translations than those that Doorposts chose, but the idea remains the same.
How I love the chart... Let me count the ways!
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It encourages consistency, which is an essential for turning around behavior patterns.
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Having a written plan saves me from becoming frustrated by figuring out how to handle the situation... the plan is already in place! This has been a great help in saving me from becoming angry.
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I no longer question myself, because I am simply administering the consequence, not reacting emotionally.
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The chart helps to place the ownership of the negative consequences on the children. The children know in advance what will happen if they misbehave, so when they choose to engage in a misbehavior, they are in essence, choosing to accept the consequence for themselves.
We follow a series of steps in administering correction. The first step is to go to the chart, and have the child tell or show which rule they broke. We then ask the child to read the accompanying verse (or we read it to the younger children), and then we will ask what the consequence will be.
A short discussion follows, which goes something like this: "Did you know the rule?" (yes) "Did you know the consequence?" (yes) "Did you follow the rule?" (no) "Do you deserve the consequence?" (yes)
or, perhaps:
"What did you do wrong?"
"Why was it wrong?"
"What are you going to do next time?"
One note on this: Resist the urge to ask, “Why did you do that?” This only encourages children to justify misbehaviors. We want them to take ownership for their behaviors, and not to get in the habit of making excuses for themselves.
After our short discussion, the consequence is administered. We then pray together, and the child apologizes to whomever they may have offended.
